Without trust, people will not feel supported, or even responsible for working toward a reputation that's worth upholding.
We are more easily bothered when we are under stress, so we try to manage the things that bother us. Only, stress isn't caused by the things that bother us, nor are the things that bother us what needs managing to ease our anxiety.
We are an inherently social species, and are therefore predisposed to anticipate certain behaviors from others, including the negative actions, reactions, and interactions. When we anticipate negativity, we learn to distrust the people and situations outside our comfortable, reliable, norm.
We learn what others consider “acceptable behavior,” as well as what behavior we can get away with being bothered by in return.
The health of our relationships influences our willingness to cope with certain stresses. Preferences and tastes for things like food, music, fashion, art, and even social behavior are influenced by how trusted we feel by one person or another.
In short, our taste and preferences are influenced by our opinions of people, and our opinions of people are influenced by the preferences and aversions we share.
Vague though they are, I believe autonomy and togetherness to be the core building blocks of social sustainability. Trust is most fundamental in this process. If being an independent person means to act by oneself for oneself, autonomy means to act by oneself for the community. Thank you, Michaeleen Doucleff! I like to explain this with a family dinner metaphor: An independent person would bring their plate to the sink or dishwasher to be washed. An autonomous person would help clear the table.
Communities too large and busy to form close social networks seem to have developed a tolerance for micromanaging. As a result, a person's independence is often prioritized over their autonomy, though the terms and concepts are often used interchangeably. Anthropologists have found a micromanagement taboo in the smallest communities in the world, where autonomy is prioritized, independence is almost scorned, and stress is absent. This relationship between control, free will, and the resulting ease of mind is neither fortuitous nor intentional. Rather, and simply, the way a community will organically behave, when it's small enough for its members to form close, social bonds.
But considering, and even prioritizing, ourselves isn't the problem or even the point. The relationship we have with ourselves is perhaps the most influential in developing our autonomy. Recognizing and building upon our preferences, interests, and strengths helps guide our role as community members, but only if we're receptive to honest responses to negative and positive behavior. We must give ourselves and others the space, grace, and patience to evolve into and out of the various stages of life.
Patience, the art of honoring space and time, allows us to consider our body's response to stimuli. Having patience and allowing space communicates trust, and feeling trusted inspires and encourages deeper consideration, permission, and flexibility to become. Thank you Michelle Obama.
When the things that bother us elicit anxiety, we must learn to recognize and attend to our internal reactions before addressing the external source of stimuli. And we must give others the space to do the same, to consider their surroundings, and have peace of mind to internalize, and preserve, their experience.
When it is another person's behavior that bothers us, we must have patience with them. But we must also be honest in our reactions, appropriately praising and criticizing behaviors that positively or negatively impacted us. Providing space encourages an opportunity to reevaluate, consider, and retract our actions without feeling penalized for making an error.
When we attempt to direct the environment around us without the permission or collaboration of others, we are more likely to create friction than find resolve. Similarly, our sense of autonomy is threatened when we feel regulated and controlled by others or the environment around us. This friction between us and the environment or people around us, is often labeled as "toxic," or some form of this concept. Though labels help acknowledge and appropriate our experience, they risk missing the true source.
Unbeknownst to us, we contribute to our own toxic environments by prioritizing our own needs and directing others' behavior. Not only do these attempts fail to have positive impact, but they ultimately signify a lack of trust in others' judgment, aptitude, and autonomy.
When direction is experienced as doubt, it may create friction, and discourage positive behavior. Without trust, there is no incentive to cooperate, strive, or believe in oneself. By contrast, a positive reputation is worth upholding, an identity to be proud of, and a journey of exploration, evolution, and potential to look forward to. A pre-existing positive reputation is free of fear and open to play.
When we strive to trust others, forgiving mistakes, and accepting the inevitability of faults. We express acceptance and encouragement for the effort needed for long-term positive change.
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